Guess what??? It's a go for my doctors appointment next week. Yeah! Hopefully we can everything figured out and my Hcg levels go back to zero. I have to take an antibiotic so an infection doesn't develop while they do my saline ultra sound. I think the saline ultrasound is to see whether or not my lining of my uterus is in good condition for egg implantation. Ha! The joys of fertility!
You know I have been thinking a lot about what exactly I want to write back in this blog, and something keeps nagging at me. For the longest and most difficult time in the world, when I kept hearing about all the people who were getting pregnant, and of course I wasn't, I was kinda angry, confused, and lost. I think lost is great word to describe how I was feeling. Everyone around me is or has recently been pregnant and I can honestly can say from the bottom of my heart I am so happy for them. To be honest, it has taken me awhile to feel these emotions. I kept thinking why not me, what have I done wrong to deserve this, am I not good enough to be a mom, maybe being a mom is not for me, or whatever possible negative thinking I had was completely tearing me apart. My best friends are pregnant because it is suppose to happen. I know someday the Lord will bless Bracken and I with a little one, but there are things I need to experience and enjoy first. Through this journey I have come to love myself for who I am. Sure it's not my time right now to be a mom, but someday it will. I have learned to be patient and that life is on the Lord's time table. He has a plan for us and I need to just have hope and faith that I will be blessed with the desire of my heart. The Lord knows the desires of my heart and I know he wants me to be happy. You know if that's waiting many and many years or even adoption, we are happy and will be blessed. My vice principal has adopted all five of his children and wouldn't change it for the world. I have one of his kids in my health classes and I just think the world of him. He is the cutest little, well he is not really little, black boy I have seen. We can talk about adoption later! But I just want people to know how happy I truly am for this journey we have experienced. I wouldn't be the person I am today. I know it's not the end, but I know the Lord does have a plan for us!
katie i love your optimism!! I was so worried when cass was prego, then me...then cass again. I cant imagine how hard that must have been for you. But I love you so much! and I know you will be a mommy someday :)
ReplyDeletelove love love you!! Just woke up from my nap and came back for the last 15 min of school! ha ha! I believe you're already a mommy. Maybe not physically on earth yet, but I believe Mom's sacrifice a lot for their kids and you have already sacrificed a lot. Going through my miscarriage taught me I was a mother and maybe nobody else saw that or thought that, but I felt it and knew it in my heart. Kids teach parents things and that little baby taught me a lot in the short time I had it. All our losses will be made up in heaven. I believe that with babies we lose. I love you to pieces!
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