Monday, June 13, 2011

Finally In Knoxville

Our little home in Springville is now gone, SAD! It is being rented out! That week was a week from H E double hockey stick!  I have never ever been so stressed out in all my life. Ha! Maybe that's why my Hcg levels never went down! Here are a few pictures!!!! Enjoy!

My dinner for about six weeks! Hot chocolate, toast, an apple, and popcorn. This is my lovely bed! Wow was it great to sleep on!

Yeah I am finally in Knoxville with Bracken. Well actually I have been here for exactly one week now. Before I came out I went and got my Hcg levels test AGAIN! Yep they went up to 9. I swear one of these days I am going to have a major melt down. Ha! Oh wait I already did after my eptopic pregnancy! It has now been 10 weeks since that I am so ready to move on with more pregnancy stuff. However, there is still one major problem. My levels will not drop. So last Tuesday I went into a Lab corp and tested again. Yeah they were 6. Well today I went in again a week later and they were 6. I don't think I have ever been tried with my patience as much as I have today. I just don't know what to think anymore. I have almost one more month until we maybe do IVF. If my levels don't go down in the next week we have to wait another cycle. I honestly don't think I can do this anymore. I have never been so frustrated and confused in all my life. I know it's a true desire! Why are my prayers not being answered! Somedays I feel so alone and all I can do is cry! But then I get encouragement from those we read my sad sob story! ha! Trust me there are many of you who have gone through way more than I have, but I am the pathetic one who writes about it. jk!!!!! I really needed to blog tonight because I am alone in Knoxville waiting for my husband to get home around 11:30 pm!!! Yeah they drive two hours away each day to sell Vivant! If any of you who are reading this I have one quick question, Can you ovulate and still have HCG in you lovely system. I have researched and researched and have found conflicting opinions! I thought I had my period, but unfortunately it was probably left over tissue.  So who knows when my period is ever going to come. I am praying with all my heart it was my period and I ovulated! ha! Yeah right! I have not ovulated on my own in years. I don't think I actually can! Okay okay enough venting for me tonight. I think it's time to look at homes in Idaho Falls for sale. Yes I know it's exciting! Well I love you all so much! Keep praying for me and I'll keep praying for all of you who so badly want a little one. Take care and talk to you tomorrow!

Darcee and I had to go to the mall. I found a sweet outfit.  It is sorta hard to see but it is a jump suit! Too bad I looked like a oompa loompa! Sorry for the underwear shot and sweet facial expression!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Bad News Today

I know I know I know it's been a few days after my last post, but we finally decided on packing up and moving to Idaho. However, there are only a few problems. First we haven't sold or leased our little home in Springville, I'm packing without Bracken, it will be over four weeks from when I will see Bracken, we have no home in Idaho, and lastly I'm going to really really miss some friends I have made here. I think today I have cried out all my tears I have. We have the best ward and have been blessed more than we can receive. Joy and Sarah, I love you two more than anything! Thank you for everything and being the perfect examples of what best friends should be! HA! There is good news I get to spend the summer in Knoxville with my Darcee, ha and my hubby! haha! jk No really there are so many people I am looking forward to being with!!! Jordan, Katelynn, Libby, Jess, Andy, Andrew, Benji, Brady, ha and I guess Shane too! jk Ah I hope I didn't forget about anyone!

Well let me also explain why today has been kinda rotten. Well about four days ago I started!!!! Yeah that's great news because I haven't started on my own in at least three to four years without help! So I am expecting to ovulate right? Wrong! I had to go get my blood test today! Yeah 8 hcg! So nope I guess it wasn't me starting. There must be some other reason why I started! Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to start the IVF process, and hopefully we can start because of this new problem. It's been over two months since the miscarriage and eptopic pregnancy! I don't know what to think or even what to feel. Today hasn't been the greatest. Tomorrow will be better! I promise! Sorry this one was kinda done!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

You Could Say it Wasn't One of my Smartest Moments

So yesterday was a rather long day. After school I had a dentist appointment which really is one of my favorite places to go. Honestly! I think the day of the dentist is the only day of the year I am grateful not to be pregnant. Yes I know! Could you guess why! Of course the GAS. I flipping love it. It's like I am floating on air. My dentist is my cousin and I honestly he thinks I have a drug problem.jk So I was there for a good hour and half thinking life was pretty great. One thing I do not like about it though, is I start to get a headache after too long. But it's definitely worth it. Brian Abrams is our Dentist and his office is in Murray. We absolutely love him to death. If anyone needs a dentist, let me know!!!! :)

So let me know explain why I title my blog this today! So when I got home from the dentist I spelled this strange gas smell in my kitchen and laundry room. The smell smelt like it was coming from laundry room where my electric stuff is at as well. I totally panicked! I knew it was natural gas, but smelled like gasoline. Like someone had pored gas in my washer and dryer. Honestly it was so bad. So can you imagine what I did, yes I freaked out and called three different neighbors to have them come check out the problem. First Brad Fears wasn't home, next Pace McColluch didn't answer his phone, and finally Cameron Teeples answered. Thank heavens. So frantically I asked Cameron to come over and check it out. He came over and checked everything. We had no idea what was going on. Cameron remodeled our kitchen so kinda knew what was going on with that kind of stuff. So he left and called Mike Harden to come check it out. About after an hour of sitting in my car with my two puppies dying of heat, because I didn't want to start the car encase it would like blow up my house. So I sat on my iphone googling reasons why my laundry room might possibly smell like gas. I was totally freaked out. I had no idea what was going to happen. I was starving and very impatient. I couldn't go in the house bc I was reading to stay away from house because of lots of possible dangers. So after an hour or prob longer Mike showed up. He went into the laundry, impressed with the strong smell and asked me one question, where is your gas tank. So we went out into our shop, and yep he knew it! I had spilled the gas container. The smell had floated through my doggie door into my kitchen and through the tiny slits into my laundry room. Ha! Wow if only I had a brain. So the rest of the night I opened all the doors and windows and sat there and aired out the room. I was starving but afraid it could have contaminated my food, ha what food. I leave in a week and a half for Knoxville!!! whoaa!!!!!! I can not wait!

Alright so my fertility date of IVF has changed, I now start on July 15th with a baseline ultrasound. We are checking to see if the uterus is clear of tissue and ready to go. AHHHHHH I hope it is! So then about 8-12 days I will inject FSH Follistem into my stomach. The shots really are not that bad. I am pretty used to it! All I do is close my eyes and quickly just stab my pinched tummy. Twist the knob and well I'm done!!! So since my body is pretty sensitive I am guessing I will only be taking shots for eight days. After another ultrasound to see if my eggs are ready to go, they will trigger me with an hCg shot to make my eggs ovulate. Then in 36 hours the doctors will put me to sleep and get ready to catch all my many little eggs. We are hoping to get as many as we can. After they catch them they will need the sperm to mix with them. Then they will watch them for 3-4 days to see how they are growing. Next they will implant hopefully two of them back into me and we will just wait and see. Two weeks later we will know if they took and held on to my uterus. It's a lot more complicated than that with lots of medication and procedures, but I'll explain that as I am going through the process. Currently I am taking a prescription called metformin. It's not a lot of fun, but suppose to help me not over stimulate my eggs. So yes, it's worth all the nasty gassy, bloated side effects.Anyways enough for today!

Thanks to all of you who have commented. It gives me hope and encouragement everyday! I love all of you so much! Thanks for caring!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Doctor's Apointment

Guess what??? It's a go for my doctors appointment next week. Yeah! Hopefully we can everything figured out and my Hcg levels go back to zero. I have to take an antibiotic so an infection doesn't develop while they do my saline ultra sound. I think the saline ultrasound is to see whether or not my lining of my uterus is in good condition for egg implantation.  Ha! The joys of fertility!

You know I have been thinking a lot about what exactly I want to write back in this blog, and something keeps nagging at me. For the longest and most difficult time in the world, when I kept hearing about all the people who were getting pregnant, and of course  I wasn't, I was kinda angry, confused, and lost. I think lost is great word to describe how I was feeling. Everyone around me is or has recently been pregnant and I can honestly can say from the bottom of my heart I am so happy for them. To be honest, it has taken me awhile to feel these emotions. I kept thinking why not me, what have I done wrong to deserve this, am I not good enough to be a mom, maybe being a mom is not for me, or whatever possible negative thinking I had was completely  tearing me apart. My best friends are pregnant because it is suppose to happen. I know someday the Lord will bless Bracken and I with a little one, but there are things I need to experience and enjoy first. Through this journey I have come to love myself for who I am. Sure it's not my time right  now to be a mom, but someday it will. I have learned to be patient and that life is on the Lord's time table. He has a plan for us and I need to just have hope and faith that I will be blessed with the desire of my heart. The Lord knows the desires of my heart and I know he wants me to be happy. You know if that's waiting many and many years or even adoption, we are happy and will be blessed. My vice principal has adopted all five of his children and wouldn't change it for the world. I have one of his kids in my health classes and I just think the world of him. He is the cutest little, well he is not really little, black boy I have seen. We can talk about adoption later! But I just want people to know how happy I truly am for this journey we have experienced. I wouldn't be the person I am today. I know it's not the end, but I know the Lord does have a plan for us!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I love being Poked!

So yesterday was an exciting day! So you know how last Friday my HCG levels dropped from 11 to 10 in six days, well my doctors called me yesterday and told me I needed to go in again. He maybe thought the lab had made a mistake reading my levels because it definitely should be a zero 8 weeks later! Yeah well it wasn't. The had me test my blood at the Provo Hospital and then run up to the Orem hospital and test it again in the other arm. You would think after I have had my blood drawn at least 50 times in this whole pregnancy process I would get use to the fact of sticking a needle in my tiny little veins that a nurse can barely see. But nope, not really! Oh it just makes me want to pass out every time. And twice yesterday, lucky me! So results came back from both places and yep they were the same. My levels dropped to an 8! Flip why in the world are they not dropping faster!

But the good news is, hopefully, Bracken and I can start the IVF process soon. I need to set up a few appointments with my doctor in Sandy, have a few more tests of my uterus, called a saline ultra sound and begin taking some antibiotics and birth control pills.   The antibiotics are to help prevent any infection in my fallopian tubes and the birth control pills are to regulate my hormone levels. It's kinda been nice for eight weeks having my body heal before we get started again. However, I have been taking this nasty medication that is normally prescribed to diabetics to help control their insulin levels, but in regards to fertility it helps in the quality of the eggs and reduces hyperstimulation. My body is super sensitive to FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, Follistem)  medication so my ovaries and eggs like to get really big and suuuuupppper sensitive. Each IUI (where they stimulate my eggs to grow, give me a trigger shot to release my eggs, and inject me with Bracken's sperm) I have been put on bed rest because I get so bloated with the swollen eggs and ovaries. Anyways the IVF process is suppose to be able to monitor and help prevent hyperstimulation in happening with me. Supposedly more safe in my situation. I would absolutely love to hear if you are anyone you know has gone through this as well. Maybe theirs or your body is sensitive to FSH medication.

But good news, I bought my plane ticket out to Knoxville to go spend the summer with Bracken! Yeah I finally get to see him. I love doing nothing in the summer, but sitting by the pool while he works! jk!

Anyways thanks to everyone who has facebooked me and left me so many wonderful comment and words of encouragement.   I can't explain how much it helps me! I love you guys so much!

Oh more thing..... I made some yummy vegetable soup and took a picture. Bracken thinks it sound gross, but actually I eat in every night because I made too much! Ha!!!!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Okay Thanks Bracken

Okay my husband said I need to say something positive on my blog. Thanks Bracken! So something positive relating to pregnancy.....
1# - My body can get pregnant!!! I have gotten pregnant twice and the second time the baby was healthy and strong, just in the wrong place.
2# - My yard looks flippin amazing because of my hard work today
3# - I got a tan from the hot sun!!!
4# - I made vegetable yummy soup
5# - I have two more weeks til I see my husband!!!

See Bracken I have positive things going on today! But good night!!!

The Waiting...

You know that waiting period we all hate so much that just drags and drags and drags. If it's either waiting to know if your pregnant, or waiting for DAY 14 or whatever day that is, or the waiting period for our bodies to heal, or just plain waiting, I hate it! I guess I am one of those girls who likes to know things now! And well, this whole pregnancy thing is definitely not that way. I think someone knew how for us women to develop the quality of patience. So last night was a true test for me in the waiting period. Over six weeks ago I had my fallopian tube removed, yeah not really that much fun. It kinda cut down the chances of getting pregnant again. Ha, what's new!!! So my fertility specialist, Dr. Harry Hatasaka, has been monitoring my HCG level, you know the pregnancy hormone, well for some silly reason my is deciding to go down rather slowly.  So it began at....55,100 -
1 week after 24,473
2- 9,085
3- 2,000 
4- 700 
5 -51
7 - 11
So can anyone guess why I had a break down. Week 7 and 8 not much progress! I know before we ever get pregnant my levels have to go back to 0!!!!!! My body still thinks it's pregnant, so therefor if I was ever going to ovulate, which  I won't without medication, but it can't!!! HCG usually takes 4-6 weeks to leave the blood stream, but it also depends how far along someone was.  My levels were pretty high they think because of the baby in the fallopian tube, and possibly the the sac in the uterus. They had never seen an eptopic  pregnancy that such high levels and not bursting on it's own, so they figure the sac in the uterus caused the levels to rise as well.

So anyways, yes last night I had a breakdown at Darcee's place. She just hugged me and made me feel so much. I seriously love her more than anything. When  I left she texted me some scriptures to read, Moroni 7, D&C 109:76, a conference talk called Hope, and anther called The Atonement. I think I cried for at least an hour reading them. Ha! I am so pathetic! My puppies just sat there and looked at me! It was rather sad. I read my blessing and it answered a question I had been praying about a looooooooot lately. Hopefully I'll be able to share with you soon! So anyways enough with that. I think I'll post later tonight, but it's time to go finish weed wacking the lawn. Ha! I actually love doing it!